Bopping around a bar out in the Inner Richmond one night at my friends’ dance party I spot a tall, well coifed head of hair on top of a boyish face. Everything in my body perks up. But wait! It’s way too early to even acknowledge that he exists since the party had just begun. I wasn’t especially thirsty that night.
The bar is crowded with friends and acquaintances dancing in support of the party. I hop around until the night winds down and seats are filling up with tired, drunk legs. As I mosey past the bar I notice the cute boy lingering next to a friend on a barstool, skateboard in hand.
“Hey guys, anything going on after this?” I ask them.
The cute skateboarded looks at me and smiles shyly but decidedly. “I’m going to get a donut and go home. Do you want to grab some donuts? It’s nearby.”
WELL. That was easy. My friend looks back and forth at us and chuckles as if he knew a secret. I run to the bathroom and say my goodbyes to various people. I walk outside to the cool air, not knowing if cute skateboarder was still around. He is, standing patiently on the sidewalk.
“It’s donut time!” I exclaim and we walk away.
Another friend, whom apparently knows him, yelled after us “Hey! You know she’s like a decade older than you, right?!” I turn and flip him my friendly middle finger.
In the donut shop cute skateboarder asks me which pieces of fried dough I’d like and suggest that we should smoke some weed at his place, also nearby of course, before inhaling them. I shrug and think why not, let’s see where this takes me.
Another couple blocks away at his apartment, I see records and skateboards littered all over his living room. I ask him what he does and how old he is. He is 6 years younger than me and works at a skate shop. Not ideal, but hey, I’m not trying to marry or anything anytime soon.
We smoke, eat the donuts, and he immediately dives in to make out. I can taste the weed mixed with sugar and coated with his young awkwardness. Internally I shrug — just go with it.
We move to his bedroom and I spot a Mickey Mouse blanket covering his bed. I stand there and start to laugh hysterically. His shy awkwardness takes over again but I can tell he’s determined to seal the deal. I shrug internally again. He leads me to his Mickey bed and I have some of the most awkward sex of my life. Is this guy even fully developed? I ask myself. His bony hips are like blunt daggers and I feel like he is trying to eat my face whole. This is what I get for shrugging the night away.
Even though he seems to be enjoying himself, I stop to rest and check for bruises. I look down and gasp. The condom is shredded. He looks down and screams “Arrghhh, oh nooo!”
I sense his blood pressure and fear rise dramatically and I immediately change my reaction to put on a calm face. “It’ll be fine, I’ll take care of this tonight.” He stares at me scared.
He offers to come with, as if it were his manly duty. Fortunately, my car is parked nearby, but it is a very silent, brisk walk.
As I drive to the 24 hour Walgreens in the Castro, he keeps moaning “OH MY GOD, I’M TOO YOUNG TO BE A DAD. OH MY GOD, I’M TOO YOUNG TO BE A DAD.”
“Um, this doesn’t mean I’m pregnant. We’re going to prevent that chance from happening.” I shake my head at him, but I’m also shaking my head at myself. I keep patting his arm, but I secretly want to punch him as hard as I can to knock some sense in. Chunks of chewed up donuts may also come flying back out though.
How could agreeing to some donuts lead to this? He continuously groans the whole drive and I think he may start hyperventilating a couple of times. His hands keeps covering his eyes as if it’ll hide the situation. I want to close my eyes as well, but we would just crash.
At the Walgreens pharmacy counter I ask for Plan B like it’s just a pack of gum to keep the cool. The technician doesn’t bat an eye but skater boy squirms uncomfortably next to me as I stare ahead stone faced and collected.
I drive him back home and say “It’ll be fine, this happens all the time to girls.”
When I wake up in my own bed in the morning, I get a text from skater boy, who is no longer that cute to me.
“Hey, just checking if everything is okay.”
“Yup!” Internalize my fake smile.
“That’s good. I’d like to hang out with you again.”
I throw my phone aside and cover my face with my hands. “Ughhhh…”
I get another text from my friend who was at the bar a little later, “So how were those donuts?”